Sunday, October 17, 1999: Sunglasses & The Flea

I left my sunglasses at the Vaughn House where I DJ'd last night. My only item of value. Ugh. I'm at GFM waiting for Daniel and her friend Mitch to show up. I'm going to ask him to detour to Eglington and Bayview and I'm going to see if they are still there. Unless the place is closed... Oh well. Nothing I can do now. Just wait.

When Rod and I were taking out the gear yesterday who do I run into? Mark "Mutt" Smith - Strider's younger Brother ! And who's his boss there but Steve "Weif" or "The Flea" Petkoglou... Bizarre. ~ Autumn is a time I think most about Strider and "the Sultans"... And all those walks down to the valley at Bayview and Finch.

Saturday, October 16, 1999: Warm Sunday

1:05 pm at the GFM. It's very busy. I got in at around noon. I probably should have come in earlier but...

It's really warm out. Like 20 C or something. Sunny and wonderful. And I unfortunately have to DJ at 3:30 pm. I don't actually DJ until 6:00 pm. It goes until 1:00 am... Ugh. Then it's home to bed, up and tomorrow I head up to Ottawa with DJ Dan's friend. M has no idea I'm coming. Which I find endlessly amusing. I just hope I don't have to sit on her steps for hours waiting for her to arrive back from this spa in Quebec she's going to with Vicki.

I'm in a good mood today. Not like I've been in since August. Is it just the weather?

Thursday, October 14, 1999: Aunt Phyllis' Funeral

Today was Aunt Phyllis' funeral in Oakville. It was different from Mom's the same way that Uncle Bill's was from Dad's. I got there and sat with Uncle Doug who looked even worse than he did in March and coughed through the whole service. He couldn't stand up at one point without assistance. He has almost totally lost his voice too. He looks like he's about 110.

Anyways...

It was very difficult for Jayne I think. I didn't feel as connected to the whole thing as I had at Uncle Bill's. I rode out to the Cemetary with Debbie & her Husband. Uncle Bill's grave has this slab like marker that is raised and slightly tilted on an angle. It has this weird circular thing under his name that looks like a speaker but I think is a flower holder. Anyways it looked enough like a speaker I kept expecting him to yell something from it. Like for me to get a hair cut.

I rode back to the Knox Church with Doug Jr and his wife and Daughter. I always feel like such a bust-out around these people. After I got a ride to the GO Train with a friend of Jayne's and her husband then had the long trip home. I waited for ever in the sun for the train then rode it back to Toronto. I got off at the CNE Exhibition stop and took the street car up Bathurst instead of going to Union Station.

Tuesday, October 12, 1999: Hard Sunday

It's weird to be writing in my journal and not in a letter to M. And... How do I recap the weekend that I looked forward to?

M came in Friday night. I took her to the Undesirables (duo) gig in Kensington. That was good. Saturday we had Breakfast at GFM and walked down to Queen Street after.

Saturday night I DJ'd and it went well. And Sunday came with expectations of so much... But instead it was as if someone had torn a page out of my journal from 1990 Fulton Ave with L and glued it in to this very book. Scratched out the name "Lori" and replaced it with "Michelle". Over what? Over some leftover thing from the days of 1998 and ELB that I had sitting forgotten in my bookshelf. M stumbled across this book of poems which I had intended to give to ELB but never did as we had broken up before I could. So there it sat. And she found it and what a mess.

So the day was wasted. As so many Sundays with L were. Me trying in vain to prove my innocence. Ugh. It was awful. I can't imagine how I lived in a situation like that once where that was a regular thing. I was just drained after.

In the end we went to see Kevin Quain. By the time we got home it was fine... And Monday was the sad parting... But on top of it all I'm now not so sure what I feel. This had definately scared me a lot. It was a sign of something I haven't seen since L and some thing I have no desire to go through again...

10:40 pm... So here I am at the GFM.

~ Work... Nothing changes. There is simply no future there.

~ Auntie Phyllis passed away. I'm going to the funeral on Thursday afternoon in Oakville. I'm not looking forward to that but I have to be there for Jayne. She'll need me.

~ Beck on the CD Player. "Devil's Haircut"... ~

JL called me tonight. We talked for about half an hour. It was good. I feel odd talking to her though.

~ I soundscaped from 8:00 pm until to 9:30 pm.

Tomorrow night Strider is coming coming over. That's good. I haven't played music with him in a while. ~

"New Polution" by Beck plays now. This song takes me back to GRH's studio that spring... 1996? That was a good time in many ways. How was it I had money? When will this break? This bust out time. It's a hard thing to take and I need some new shoes.

~ Strange how this CD has so much nostalgia to it. Has time gone by so quickly? Am I any further ahead? Yes and no...

Yawn... A yawn. That's a good sign. A very good sign that I'll be able to sleep tonight.

11:05 pm TIME TO GO ~

Tuesday, October 5, 1999: Autumn Blues

Cold autumn day. ~ 5:35 pm... ~ GFM...

Foreboding all around. The Autumn comes. I used to look forward to this time of year. Now... It's just senility before death. My spirits sink with the temperature. The nights come sooner. Even M can't snap me out of this. I walked through Mom's death without a tear. I was strong. Now I sit here with a black cloud over me and I'm not sure how to dispell this feeling.

6:50 pm...

The arrival of Justin M to work tonight, and a brief visit from his Morris Men friend Kevin cheered me up.

Tiff is here. We snipe at each other like 8 year olds pretending to hate each other.

I feel better. Cheered up.

~ M situation worries me. The distance strains us. The trust is hard to find. She wonders if I'll get "bored" with her. Silly.

JL calls A LOT. But that boat has left the dock.

7:15 pm... It's dark already.

Monday, October 4, 1999: First Cold Day

Dreams dreams dreams... And now that I'm back in the waking world they fade into fragments...

I feel a certain fear about going to Manila. The fear or the feeling that I won't come back. I can see certain possiblities there... And I don't feel like I have a choice but to go... ~

2:30 pm. Only at GFM now. I woke up at 12:30 but shuffled around until now. I finished off a mix tape for Justin M. The GFM is packed inside and freezing outside.

3:10 pm. No sign of Justin M. I'd hoped he'd come by. I'm debating about going to Kevin Quain. I hate to miss it but...

~ The furnace seems not functional at 1019 so it is freezing. Autumn weather. The first really cold day. The sun doesn't even help. I'd forgotten how much I've grown to dislike the cold in recent years. One thing I'll like about Manila is it won't be cold. Man, I'm freezing...

~ Moved inside.

Sandy has invited me here for Thanksgiving on Monday the 11th. That will be good. M will probably go back up Monday afternoon... So I'll be lonely.

Saturday, October 2, 1999: Every Day I Write The Book

12:00 Noon. Awake (sort of) I scramble to get all the stuff done I'd rather forget about. Like laundry, picking up dry cleaning, etc... But before I can do all that I must eat my GFM breakfast.

I had weird dreams last night. In one M called me and told me she'd met someone else. I woke up all bummed out then with in minutes of waking she called me. I didn't tell her the dream.

12:30 ... it's getting crowded in here. Sunniva isn't working today because she is at a wedding. Tiff is working instead. I've eaten my breakfast which was amazing. Sandy gave me tons of food, way more than she needed to...

~ Tomorrow is Sunday... I look forward to it. The one day I have off. I don't think I'll go to Kevin Quain tomorrow night. Just so I can save some money ~

Elvis Costello on the CD Player. "Every day every day every day I write the book..." Tiff's choice. When this was released she was 3 or 4. I was going into grade 8 or 9 ~

The whole idea of doing laundry today doesn't appeal to me. My place suffers from working every night this past week. Coming in late, collapsing into bed, getting up, doing it all again. A total mess...

~ I'm not even sure where I DJ tonight...

Friday, October 1, 1999: Manila Decided Upon

The week is over. almost. Except for DJing. I worked 4 nights this week. Been in a malaise rivaling Nov '98. The only thing keeping me off the rocks is M's voice on the phone and her emails.

AMAZING!

For all my efforts work still stinks. Pointless. It wears on me. I feel like I used up all my strength out west dealing with Mom's Funeral. Now I just struggle to go on.

I told Schwabbie I'm coming over in January. M is not happy about this but what choice do I have. I am not going for another year of this bust-out business here.

8:15 pm... I feel like I could fall asleep right now. This is the first time I've been at the Grape Fruit Moon since Monday. Lucinda Williams is on the CD player. "Greenville" plays. Beautiful voice. I put this on a mix tape for Justin M. I'm sure he'll like it.

So ... What is new?

The team I'm on at work won the Las Vegas contest. I'm not really excited about it. I don't even want to go. I want to go to Ottawa. I'm trying to hook up a ride there with a friend of DJ Dan's. She won't expect me. I'll tell her I'll call her at 9:00 pm then show up at her door instead. That will be brilliant.

Anyways... She comes down next weekend. It will be good to have her here. To walk with her and hold her hand and hang on to her ~~~

RED WINE... I feel so sad. Why? Mom. Definately that is catching up with me. Plus missing M. Plus the Richard F / Snowmelter meltdown has hit me and makes me feel so alone. Plus work.

Will I be better off in Manila? Will I have any friends there? Or will it be a total waste of time? Only time will tell.

But work here doesn't matter anymore because I'm going to Manila. M thinks I will be gone about 3 or 4 months but I know in my heart it will be longer.

Rob has gone back to Alberta. That makes me sad too. I miss hanging out with him.

Monday, September 27, 1999: Long Day & Soundscaping

Yikes. What a long day. 9:30 am to 8:00 pm. No luck. So very tired, no luck just absolute frustration.

Schwabbie left a message on my machine. I'm not sure what to do... But in a way I don't see a choice.

THE BIG QUESTION IS WHEN...

When do I go? Nov? Dec? Or January? I don't see a point in going before then...

UGH!

I walked home and got in at around 9:30 pm.

I soundscaped for about an hour. It was like it usually is. It was just like walking into a garden, then into a temple, then to a fountain in the temple, and having the water pour over you... Then with-drawing, walking out the way you came backwards, with head bowed...

I can't explain it better than that. Actually that's the best explaination I can give.

No words can really discribe it. More and more I feel I can create a proper soundscape outside the confines of my room.

Strange ~ when I am soundscaping I have no doubt of who I am or what I am or anything about myself. I have no doubt of myself ~ None. Yet how is it when I'm here all those worries and doubtsreturn? How can I walk with out that attack on me? How do I step outside and bring that soundscape thing with me? Or can I? I don't know. I don't know what to do... or where to go..

Sunday, September 26, 1999: Brunch Notes

2:30 pm... Eating at GFM. Annoying loud table next to me. Sandy is in Victoria so things don't go a smoothly as normal. Last night's wedding went extremely well. Which is a relief. I was afraid it would be a nightmare. I talked to M afterwards.

~ JL left a message yesterday. Wanting me to go somewhere or other with her. Oh well. She had more than her chance and all she ever did was wave her mistrust of "men" at me. And now here I am. In love with M.